I like to think I'm funny. Here's some jokes.
Have you heard the one about the man with the big orange head? No? Well, I'll tell you.
A man was marooned on an island when he stumbled across a genie's lamp. When the genie appeared, it said to him, "You have touched my lamp, and as such you will receive three wishes."
"Any three?" the man asked. The genie nodded.
"Well," the man began, "I wish to be the richest man in the world."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie, and a large pile of cash appeared on the island.
"For my second wish," the man said, "I wish to marry the most beautiful girl in the world," and, as with the money, a beautiful woman appeared on the island. The man was quite happy with this, but there was still a third wish to be made. He thought and he thought until he was struck with an idea.
"For my third wish: I wish to have a big orange head."
With a snap of his fingers, the genie turned the man's head large and orange, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
A man was marooned on an island when he stumbled across a genie's lamp. When the genie appeared, it said to him, "You have touched my lamp, and as such you will receive three wishes."
"Any three?" the man asked. The genie nodded.
"Well," the man began, "I wish to be the richest man in the world."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie, and a large pile of cash appeared on the island.
"For my second wish," the man said, "I wish to marry the most beautiful girl in the world," and, as with the money, a beautiful woman appeared on the island. The man was quite happy with this, but there was still a third wish to be made. He thought and he thought until he was struck with an idea.
"For my third wish: I wish to have a big orange head."
With a snap of his fingers, the genie turned the man's head large and orange, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
A man asks his son what he wants for his 5th birthday. "I'll get you anything you want," he says. His son thinks for a moment, before saying, "I want 4 pink ping pong balls." His father obliges, and gets him the ping pong balls..
On the son's 7th birthday, his father asks what he wants, and again the son says, "I want 8 pink ping pong balls," and again, his father obliges. On his 10th birthday he asks for 64 pink ping pong balls. On his 13th, he asks for 238 pink ping pong balls. On his 16th, he asks for 1,280 pink ping pong balls. On his 18th, 56,000 pink ping pong balls.
Now when the son was about 24, he fell ill and was hospitalized. His father came to visit him one day, and asked if there was anything he could do. His son replied, "Dad, can you get me a million pink ping pong balls?" His father nodded, and said, "Can you tell me why?"
"I'll tell you as soon as you get the pink ping pong balls," his son promised. So the man set out to get the pink ping pong balls, and brought them to his son. "Son, can you tell me why?"
His son took a breath and said, "Well I want them because--" and then his heart monitor flat-lined.
On the son's 7th birthday, his father asks what he wants, and again the son says, "I want 8 pink ping pong balls," and again, his father obliges. On his 10th birthday he asks for 64 pink ping pong balls. On his 13th, he asks for 238 pink ping pong balls. On his 16th, he asks for 1,280 pink ping pong balls. On his 18th, 56,000 pink ping pong balls.
Now when the son was about 24, he fell ill and was hospitalized. His father came to visit him one day, and asked if there was anything he could do. His son replied, "Dad, can you get me a million pink ping pong balls?" His father nodded, and said, "Can you tell me why?"
"I'll tell you as soon as you get the pink ping pong balls," his son promised. So the man set out to get the pink ping pong balls, and brought them to his son. "Son, can you tell me why?"
His son took a breath and said, "Well I want them because--" and then his heart monitor flat-lined.
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. "Bartender," he says, "I'll take five beers, please!"
A guy is going to take his girlfriend to prom, and he wants to make it fancy. So he goes to a car rental place to get a limo, but there's a massive line. The guy waits and waits and waits for hours until finally he gets to the front and makes a reservation for the limo. Then he goes to rent a tux, but there's another huge line, so he waits and waits and waits for hours until finally he gets to the front and gets himself a tux. Finally, he's ready to pick up his girlfriend, so he puts on his tux and gets the limo and takes her to the dance. After about an hour, he tells his girlfriend that he's going to get a drink. He goes over to the refreshments table off to the side and there's no punch line.